A Tribute!

My MIL's viewing started Saturday night. The kids were watched by my aunt which made it easier so they could be put to bed. JL's niece got married that day so it was extra difficult on him. It was nice that JL's brother didn't attend the wedding reception so that he could be with JL. My MIL was laid out in the largest room in the funeral home and there was spurts of people that came to pay there respects. The line reached the whole length of the viewing room.

Her casket was a copper color with copper handles. Everything looked beautiful with the red roses and baby's breath the family pieces were in. Two large irns, a lid spray from JL and a foot spray from Josh and I. Arianna and Brycen had a simple two rose panel spray inside the casket. My MIL looked very beautiful in her red plaid blazer with multiple earth tones. Black beaded earrings accented her ears with a matching necklace laid across her chest. She looked really good.

Josh and I attended church at 8 am Sunday morning with the kids. All was good but the little peanut was being a pain in the bum. Such a squirmer! After church we went to the funeral home so that the kids could see their grandma. Things went much better than I thought they would have. Josh carried Arianna and I had Brycen's little hand as we approached the casket. We knelt next to the casket and Brycen was ok. I placed his hand on grandma's arm and we talked to grandma. Told her about his new Cookie Monster shoes and about him peeing in the potty. I told him that grandma is with Jesus in Heaven and he said that she was "sleeping". He gave her a few kisses on her forehead and told her that he loved her. Arianna was more interested in the lining of the casket so the view of her grandma didn't really phase her. As we walked out of the room I stopped half way and I said to Brycen, " how about we blow kisses to grandma" , so we did. I told him to say "love you grandma" and he did in a soft voice. I said, "Brycen say love you grandma a little louder", and that sweet voice got a little louder. Then I said, "Brycen say love you grandma louder so she can hear you", and we both said it even louder. We turned around and walked out the room. It was one of the sweetest things I have witnessed!

Sunday's viewings were 2-4 pm and 7-9 pm. The first viewing was the busiest! A constant line that went on way past the viewing room. Josh's cousin went out to the hall to take a peek of the line and it zig zagged all through each of the viewing rooms in the funeral home and made it's way outside to the sidewalk. The first I heard was that someone was in line for 50 minutes and it slowly increased to a little over a hour and a half in line. So many hugs and hand shakes were received by all even JL's family who formed their own receiving line on the other side of the room opposite my MIL's family.

After the viewing everyone met up at my MIL's sister's home. The house was packed with so many people and there was a great feast. Food was sent by so many generous people who wanted to do something for the family during this difficult time. Everyone sat around had a drink or two and chatted with one another until it was time to head back to the funeral home.

The evening viewing wasn't as busy as the earlier one but many of us wished it was. There was a little down time in between people but not much. The line was constant from the back of the room. The down time gave us too much time to think and look around. Emotions were being to show on our tired faces.

With the amount of lines that were written on in the sign in book along with the fact that many of those came in couples or in families we estimated that more than 500 people visited this wonderful woman. She touched so many lives. So many kind words were said to everyone about this woman. One lady said that my MIL was one of the best counselors in Western Pennsylvania. Another said that Elaine (MIL) helped her through some of her darkest times and made her want to live after suffering a brain aneurysm. There was people there who were friends of JL's who knew and some didn't know Elaine but they wanted to finally meet this woman and to support their friend. Elaine was very active in the community and so many of those people that she helped or worked with were in attendance. It was just amazing the vast number of people who wanted to see their friend just one more time.

Monday was the most difficult day for all of us who loved and cared for my MIL. My mom sat with the kids so that they could sleep in. Josh and I got to the funeral home about 8:15 am and stood in the hallway with our family and JL's family. When it was time to go into the viewing room Josh and I lead everyone into the room. We approached the casket and I held her hand. I just couldn't hold my emotions in any more. Tears streamed down my face as I looked at this beautiful woman who had more compassion and strength than anyone I have ever met. I placed two wallet sized photos of Arianna and Brycen in her hand so that she will always have them with her. Josh and I kissed her forehead and then sat down. The family started to pay their respects in pairs placing a photo of her and her siblings and even a card inside the casket. When no one was going up to the casket Josh and I went back up. We just couldn't get enough and had to be close to her again. More kisses were given and we retreated back to our seats. Then it was time when the funeral director came in and told us that now was the time to pay our last respects to this wonderful woman. Garth Brooks song "The Dance" was playing and everyone's tears started to fall as they walked up to the casket. Josh and I let everyone else go before us so that we were towards the end of the line. Then it was our turn. Our turn to take in the beauty of this woman one last time. The last time to lay our eyes on this person until we meet again many many years from now in Heaven. It was so very hard. I wrapped my arm around her waist as Josh held her hand as he did when she took her last breath. I didn't want to leave her go! We both told her that we loved her and gave her one last kiss again. I touched her face one last time and we walked out of the room. JL was the last one to be with her.

We all made it to our cars and the limo. Two of Josh's aunts who helped take care of Elaine, JL and his parents and Josh and I were in the limo. Paul bearers were some of Elaine's nephews, a brother in law, JL's brother in law, and JL's oldest son. The procession went only two blocks up the street to St. Paul's Roman Catholic Church. A church that Elaine was a life member of and a place that gave her strength.

The church was packed! There was more people in attendance than there is at 8 am mass and there are quite a bit who attend then. Everything was beautiful! The songs, the readings, and the Eulogy given by Elaine's sister and best friend. Father H. gave a wonderful annalogy of Elaine. He told us a story about a young man being asked if he knew who a Saint was and he said those people in church who the sun shines through. Meaning the paintings on the stained glass windows. Father said that Elaine was a living Saint with the way she lived her life and that her life was like the stained glass. Shined all sorts of colors and that it did!

The procession from the church to the cemetery was the whole way down North Main Street hill. Just kept going! The ceremony was performed in the mausoleum instead of grave side. When we got out of the limo the wind picked up and many birds flew in unison right over us. It was such a beautiful sight! Josh and I along with JL and her one sister were the closest to the casket and everyone packed into this tiny room. A beautiful song was being played as we all entered the room. Many of us placed our hands on the casket as Father said some final words. Then it was time for us to leave. Leave this wonderful woman behind! I kissed the top of the casket and embraced Josh. Everyone was crying and holding tight to one another. I could see how hard this was on Josh. Tears were rolling down his face even though he was trying hard to hold them back. We received two of the red roses that were a part of the family pieces and I will press them in a book for the kids when they get older.

Once we all got to our cars we rushed home to pick up Arianna and Brycen. My mom had them all dressed up and ready to go to the luncheon. There was about 100 people for the luncheon and everyone was eager to see the kids.

This whole weekend was very overwhelming for Josh and I. Every part of Elaine's death was sad yet beautiful. Just over the top beautiful! From the moments in her home after she passed, to the fact that she had her son by her side to the amount of flowers and food that came in, to the amount of people who showed up to cast their eyes one more time on this beautiful woman's face. She touch our lives and this weekend showed she touched so many many more than we could ever have imagined! This weekend was a wonderful tribute to such a loving, caring, and thoughtful woman!

Until we meet again Elaine watch and protect my family, especially Arianna and Brycen! We love you very much!

Time to be strong.

The funeral viewing for my MIL starts tonight. I have friends from two of the local florists and they have a lot of floral work for her. She was a very well liked woman. The generosity of our friends, family and neighbors is so nice during this difficult time.

I have everyone's outfits all pressed and ready to go while I drank a half of a glass of Port. A strong drink but hit the spot. We have decided that we will go to church tomorrow morning at 8 am and then go to the funeral home to take the kids to see their grandma. That way we won't have to worry about them during the public viewing. By doing this we will be able to take our time and teach them what they see even though I feel they already know she isn't with us any more.

I need to get going here but I felt the need to write something. There are still a few things I need to do before getting ready for the viewing. I also need to preheat the oven for pizza tonight. Thank you Fawn!

Looking back.

Wednesday morning's sunrise over the farm. The day began beautiful but gave away to rain. Rain can signify that the one who is ready to pass or who has passed are happy.

Smiling!

Josh was alone by his mom's side when she passed. It was very peaceful! His aunt was down the hall and JL had left to go to the grocery store. This is what she wanted. For 31 years its been just Josh and her and this is how she left this world. We called the priest and we prayed over her as we formed a complete hand held circle. As the phone chain started her house quickly filled with many many people whom she was close to and loved. They all wanted to be with her spirit and for each and every one of us who was already at the house. Her body was covered over in respect before the majority of the people came. The house was filled with love, warm hugs, and many tears.

My MIL dated a gentleman from the local funeral home for several years and he showed up to remove her from the house. It is very hard on him but he felt that he needed to do this for my MIL. They still remained close friends. JL, Josh, his uncle and I formed a human fence with our backs to the living room where she was. Out of respect the room was blocked from everyone who was either in the kitchen or in the sun room. We held hands and embraced one another. It was so hard to be strong when you hear their equipment and know exactly what is going on.

When her body was removed a comment was made that she left in class. That she did! She also left with a smile on her face. The corners of her mouth were pulled in and she was smiling! Josh said it was so nice to see her smile again. It had been exactly one week since we had seen that beautiful smile of hers. She was always smiling even though she may not have been smiling inside.

Today is going to be a tough day for Josh, JL and his two aunts as they make the final arrangements at the funeral home. JL's niece is getting married on Saturday and the family didn't want to put a damper on that wedding but he wanted things to get started. Viewing will start Saturday night and run all day on Sunday. Mass and burial will be on Monday.

This is hard but she is happy again and with out pain!

Heaven gained another Angel!

My MIL passed this evening a little after 5 pm. Much love to you Elaine!! We love you very much!

More and more difficult.

I go and see my MIL it seems like every other day and when I do get to see her there is such a dramatic change. She is so so skinny and that beautiful face of hers is fading. It is getting more and more difficult for her to breath and her pulse is very fast. As if she just got done running a 5k. When an individual is starting to pass, their body slowly shuts down but the heart beats harder and faster to try to jump start those other sluggish or ceased organs. Her tiny body shakes with each beat of her strong heart.

Hospice was in to see her yesterday. A nurse in the early afternoon and the boss of the establishment in the mid-afternoon. Both are very please with how nice everything is for my MIL. The house is kept dim and there is soft music playing in the back ground. The family limits the amount of people in the house so everything remains calm and quiet. The nurses felt it is the perfect environment for someone to feel at peace and leave this world. Again, the nurses feel that my MIL could have gone last night, today, or even tonight. She is still beating the odds and Josh and I feel that she is so damn stubborn. She still finds the need to prove people wrong even when she is in the process of leaving this world.

My MIL has proven me wrong several times with all of this. I try to analyze things with looking at the weather, looking at the numbers, or even how I feel when I am around her. Last night as I sat with her I was getting confused. Her breathing goes from regular but labored to very shallow and spaced out (stopping). I thought it was going to be last night then things would change and I would say to myself that this woman is fighting so much that she might have at least another day in her. I've looked at the dates. 22 is a nice even double number. Then 23 was even better because 2+3=6 plus the 3 from the month makes it 9 and the year is 09...99. Yesterday was such a beautiful day with clear sunny skies that followed a bright sunrise. It is supposed to rain coming up this week so I thought maybe she would go on a sunny day and the next day the rain would show that she is crying and happy. I know I'm strange with all of this but this is how my brain works. Goes about a mile a minute with all of this. Bouncing from topic to topic like a DVD that has been scratched and skips over parts of the movie.

Today is going to be another standby day. I do have to go to the bank and go to the Blind Association to take some more photos for my sale. Thank goodness for cell phones so if something happened I can still be contacted. We all continue to pray that God will chose today that he takes her into his kingdom.

Harder to breath...

Each day it is getting more and more difficult for my MIL to hang on. Hospice made two trips to her house yesterday to check on things. She really has them shocked. They didn't think that she was still going to be here. Here it is Tuesday and she is still beating the odds. Something she has done her whole entire life!

The 'wishes' are starting to surface now. Not so much with Josh but with me. They are sort of like the 'ifs', but the 'wishes' are things I would love to call her and tell her about. Last night was the beginning of the consignment sale here in Butler for anything and everything for children. Everything is very clean and gently used. I spent $68.00 and got 21 items. Lots of cute dresses for the peanut and cool man t's for Brycen. I just so wanted to call my MIL and tell her of the great deals I got for the kids. She would get excited about that and go to the sale when she had time and buy a few things that she liked for the kids. I tried to hold back my emotions but more of the 'wishes' started to surface. My MIL used to say some really annoying phrases that would drive me nuts and I would immitate her to my husband and we would have a chuckle. I told Josh that even though those phrases were annoying I wish I could hear them again. The inflection of her voice when she was excited and to hear just one more time how proud she was of me. She was one of my biggest supporters behind Josh. My MIL would often find the perfect time to remind me how good of a mom I am to my kids and how proud she is of me. With all of these particular 'wishes' coming out last night, the tears streamed down my face like someone turning on the facet. I couldn't get it to stop. These are just a few of the 'wishes' that I am starting to have and I am sure many many more are going to come.

I know someday I will be able to hear those annoying phrases, hear those kind words, feel those warm hugs, and see that gentle smile that just lit up her whole face. Until that day, I will always treasure what a wonderful woman I had as my MIL.

No change today.

My MIL had a good nights rest and her condition remains unchanged. There is no getting better at this point but there is no change for the worse.

Heaven is getting prepared.

I got to see my MIL yesterday late afternoon. Her coloring keeps changing and it is getting more difficult for her to breath. She is such a fighter! I talked to her and told her that "God and her parents are waiting for her. It's ok for her to go. We love her very much and don't want to see her go but God wants her more and that she needs to go and be with him." We still are puzzled on what she is hanging on for. Maybe now it is the fact she doesn't want to leave the good life she finally had here. Two wonderful grandchildren and a fiancee. JL promised her a real engagement ring when she got out of the hospital and he is a man of his word. My MIL has her engagement ring on her left hand and it is big and gorgeous! Wow! JL is such a wonderful man.

Hospice saw her yesterday and felt that it was going to be last night or today. But, people can fool the hospice nurses and stay for a week or two. Right now we are all hoping that isn't the fact. We don't want to see her go but everyone's tired, stressed, and sad to see such a wonderful soul like this. Today I am going to be on standby with the phone yet again. My mom is busy today so I can't call upon her to run over and sit with the kids while I say my last good by to her at her home. In a little bit I'll make a few phone calls to get someone lined up for that phone call we are all waiting for.

Not much of a change.

My MIL is still fighting with all she has left. We all are puzzled on why she is still hanging on. Who is she waiting for? Josh and I thought that maybe she is waiting for his dad, her husband for 25 yrs, to show up. Who knows?!? Josh just left to go over and I'll meet up with him around 3:00 PM due to an appointment I have. My mom is coming over to sit with the kids while they nap so I can sneak away. We all have told her that it is ok to go but she is still holding on.

This weekend??

Hospice feels that my MIL will pass sometime this weekend. They are very good with their estimates because they deal with this on a daily basis. I got to sit with my MIL last night. It is so hard to see someone so young and so full of life going through this. At this time there is no change. Still hanging on strong but it is getting more difficult by the hour.

Hour by hour.

Yesterday things have moved to hour by hour with my MIL. Her family now has the house on complete lock down. Only immediate immediate family is allowed in. I had asked if I could be there with Josh and I told his aunt that I would understand if not. She told me no and I am ok with that. Not a problem and it gives those like my husband more time with her. Right now she is unresponsive and sleeping. Josh said that she is still in alot of pain because she stirs a bit and then her family gives her some meds. The hospice nurse said that she felt that it will be this weekend.

Josh was over at his moms last night for about five hours and I didn't want to bother him. I figured that if I didn't hear anything that he needed to focus all of his attention on her. A little bit before 9 pm last night Brycen and I were snuggling on the couch and we said a prayer for grandma and he said that he loves her very much. It was 9:13 pm when out of the blue he said "bye grandma". I thought I heard him correctly but I felt the need to make sure. That is what he said. Then he told me of things that were happening. "Daddy give grandma smooch and huggie and daddy gave grandma to JL". Really made me sad and a little uneasy. Five minutes after he said those things Josh pulled into the drive way. Brycen said those things most likely right when they happened because it only really takes a minute and a half to get to my house from my MIL's and Josh would have had time to get his shoes on and go to the car. Wow! Also, right after he said "bye..." he said that he was playing with grandma. I asked him where she was and said that she was very tired and going to beddy. Then he went into daddy giving her smooches. I know that kids are smarter than we often give them credit for and that their innocents makes them vulnerable to things that we can't explain. I feel that Brycen knows exactly what is going on because he isn't asking to see grandma, he is asking to see his pap pap, JL.

Josh went to work today and won't be home until 4 pm. I'm not going to call JL or even Josh's aunt to see how things are. I already know. I'll leave them have their peace and quiet time with her. That is about it for today. I am going to be productive and get the kids's clothes pressed and ready.

It's nice to share.

The other night when Josh and I were visiting with my MIL in the hospital a close friend of her's showed up to see her. When we were all waiting for the nurses to finish up we were in the hallway chatting. She had a very shocking story to share with us and here is how it goes:

This woman went to Walmart last Friday and when she pulled into the parking lot there was this man that really gave her a look. She parked pretty far from the store so she could have a nice walk and noticed the man parking in the handicap spots. When she walked by him to go into the store he gave her another nasty look. After she was finished with her shopping and returned to her car she noticed her car was keyed from one end to the other. She was so upset about it and immediately started thinking who would have done this because she was parked so far away from the store let alone the other vehicles. Then she thought about that man who gave her the nasty look. Her husband told her husband, who works for the sheriff's office, what happened and he asked her what kind of vehicle the man drove. She said it was a green van and where he parked. A call was made to Walmart for their security cameras and there it was. The man who gave her the dirty look walked from the handicapped parking spots clear back to her car and keyed it. Caught red handed on tape!!! The police retrieved the information from the green van that was still parked at Walmart and later that night brought him in to the station. This man denied ever being at Walmart that night but the cop quickly stopped him and read him his rights. Then proceeded to tell him that he was caught on camera. My MIL's friend saw the tape and identified the man. It just amazes me that this guy was 80 years old! Wow!

Able to relax.

Yesterday's pretrial went alright. Just alright. We settled not where we would have liked it to be but it is guaranteed money in hand to get the septic work started. Now we can relax and don't have to worry about Monday's jury selection and the estimated three days of trial. For now that chapter is slowly being able to be closed.

Hanging on...

She is still hanging on. My MIL got to visit with her grandchildren last night and it completely wiped out her energy. Everyone asked her if she was alright and she just said that she felt good and you could tell that she was enjoying the kids. Josh stayed behind after I left with the kids and he said that she fell sound asleep. He was hoping to get some one on one time with his mom but didn't want to wake her. She needed her rest.

Though out all of this the amount of people who have been so generous has been amazing. Floral arrangements keep on coming to the door and her house is filled with such beauty. There is a constant flow of flood and supplies for those assisting and visiting with my MIL. My children's doctor's office called me yesterday to pick up some food and drinks. Just so nice! The doctor's office knew what was going on because they called Monday for my daughter to get a shot and I scheduled on Tuesday. My phone rings throughout the day with friends and neighbors wanting to know how she is. It is so nice to have so many people surrounding us during this tough time.

She is hanging on for some reason. There are moments that she wants to go but then she quickly changes due to the amount of work she feels she has. I hope that Josh will get a chance to talk to her one on one today to find out what she wants to have done she he can assure her that he will make sure it happens.

Right now I am waiting to see how her night went.

A not so Happy Hump Day...

I have so much stress and worry for today. On a positive note I had an excellent nights sleep. Anyways, I am trying to be creative on finding a babysitter for my kids this afternoon. Everyone that I usually used, ie. my husband's mom's family, are where they need to be. My mom can't watch them because she is watching my brother's kids. Not a surprise! I have someone to watch them now but Brycen won't get his nap in. I'm still going to keep her lined up for the job but if my two can be napping when I am gone that will be better. I would want Brycen to be rested and not cranky if we get to visit with my MIL this evening.

This is where the worry comes in. Josh and I have a pretrial for our septic system. I have made calls to the attorney's office each day since Friday worrying about this. My main concern is what if we are in the middle of court and we get the phone call that we have to leave and be with his mom. What in the hell do we do?!?! Can we go or will the judge make us stay? Will Josh be able to leave and just have me represent the both of us? AHHHHH!!! I just want to scream so bad! This whole court thing has just came at the worst and I mean the absolute worst possible time! If we don't settle today then it goes to the jury. *sighs*

After court this afternoon I have a meeting with the charity I'm performing their auction for. The auction is April 4th and I am meeting with them to go over the merchandise that has come in and to take photos and write my ad. The head of the charity knows what is going on on my end and said that we can always reschedule that they will work around me. That is very nice but this is my profession and if the jobs needs done it needs done. I'll just have to play it by ear after we are done with the legal stuff.

Fingers crossed, thoughts, and prayers that this day won't be the most horrible day ever. On a side note... the phone just rang and I felt like I just swallowed my heart! Oh! My husband just called to say he got to work ok because he took the motorcycle.

Well I am off to be productive and busy this morning.

Finally on the farm!

Yesterday was a good day in that my MIL is finally home on the farm. The preparation and the move from the hospital to her home took longer than expected. She arrived home around 4ish and JL and her sister got her settled in to rest. Josh talked to her about 8:00 pm and she was getting ready for bed. She felt bad because she didn't get to visit with him but the transport home really wiped out her energy. Josh understood and reassured her that it was alright that her rest is very important.

Putting the cart before the horse...

My MIL was supposed to come home yesterday but didn't. It was getting later and later into the day but I didn't want to call anyone because I knew there were busy getting ready for her home coming. We got a call from JL around 4ish and he said that my MIL had some complications and the doctors wanted to 'observe' her one more night. One more night?!?! We just hope and pray that she will be able to go home.

Josh and I went up to see her last night. Each day it is like 100 days have passed due to the change in her. She is very week and it is very hard to understand her when she speaks. Josh and I know that it now won't be long. We all had another very special talk last night. It was Josh, my MIL and I. Very, very special!

This morning my MIL is supposed to finally be able to come home. The events thus far is to get her home and let her rest. The stress of traveling is really going to make her tired. Once Josh gets home from work we are going to pack the kids up and head over to my MIL's house.

I have a playdate for the kids today but I really don't think I can make it. It is scheduled for 1:00 pm and I would really like to get them down for their naps early so that they are well rested for their visit with their grandma. I know that mom will understand but I just really don't like to cancel out on things.

That is where we are at right now. I'm going to finish getting my house in tip top shape because this week is going to be difficult. Everyone else is preparing too. JL took the rest of the week off from work and I know a few others cleared their schedules as well.

Heres to my MIL feeling the warm sunshine on her face one last time!!

Today will be a good day...

My MIL is coming home to the farm today and she got to see her grandchildren last night. She was ready to see them. Josh and I both got a moment alone with her to talk and it was very nice. Everyone is very happy we can get her home. I just wish that the sun would come out today. It is supposed to ran off and on and Josh wanted her to feel the sun on her face one last time. Tomorrow is supposed to be a beautiful, sunny, 60 degree day so we will just have to be patient and see how my MIL handles the ride home.

Thank you everyone for your prayers! Much love to you all!

Please Pray!

It is very very near! We are working very hard to get her back home on the farm where she grew up and for her to see her grandchildren, Brycen and Arianna. Please pray that we can do that and for Josh and I to have the strength to go through everything in the near future. Much love to you all!!

Is it near???

Spoke with MIL's b/f JL this morning and she is having a better day today. She was up moving around a bit and was able to finally have a bite to eat and for it to stay down. A full nights rest and a shower really made her feel a little better. However...JL said that the doctors and nurses are making sure she is comfortable and are going to try to get her well enought to go home. Sounds good yes, but then the family will have hospice come in. JL feels that it might be a week or two once my MIL is home. My MIL has endured alot during her life with her health has proven several people wrong over the years. Her strength is extremely admirable! She had a talk with Josh the other day and told him that if things continue to get worse day by day that she doesn't know how much longer she will last. Here is hoping that a miracle happens soon or if not that god takes her peacefully.

At a stand still...

Nothing new going on with my MIL. The doctors put her on a stronger pain medicine due to the fact that the morphine wasn't cuting it. She is still feeling very nautious and hasn't eating much. The nurses have been great in making sure that all of her needs are met quickly and that she remains comfortable. Josh talked with her last night on the phone and she sounded aweful. The medicine makes her so tired and she is only awake for short bursts of time and then drifts off to sleep. He was going to visit with her last night but we had an appointment and didn't get back until 6:30 plus he wanted to spend time with his kids.

Today my MIL is supposed to go through some more testing. The tests will be on her kidneys to see if they are functioning properly since everything was drained. Her cancer doctor is out of town until Monday I believe so her partner will be doing her rounds. So that is that and we are just at a stand still and waiting.

TGIF!

This mornining I am going to finish logging in all of my items I am getting rid of. Last night I went to the store to purchase more safety pins and hangers so I didn't have to do that today. Yay I will be done with this children's clothes storm that hit my house!

Arianna has a progress report with the service coordinator this morning at 9 am. Just to see how she has been these past three months and to sign on new services. She is starting into PT. Yay! Right now it will be only twice a week until more spots open up. Better than nothing.

After the progress report I am taking the kids to our local mall. My Mom's group is having a playdate in the playzone and since I called off from playdates twice this week I really want to make this one. Let Brycen play with his buddies and for me to get around other people since I've closed myself up in my house this week.

This evening we are going to visit with my MIL at the hospital. I'm going to give her the option today if she wants us to bring the kids. They are both healthy now and she hasn't seen them in about a month. If not I'll have to see who can take them for me.

I hope that everyone has a happy and safe weekend!

Tackling Thursday!

Today will be spent in all over my house. I am finishing up the preparation of the smaller baby items to get rid of. Much ironing, hanging and tagging as well as entering those items online. Fun times! At least I am slowly getting my house back. The piles of sorted items are finally disappearing and yes there is furniture in my house! Haha!

My mom is coming over to watch my kids about 4:30 so I want to do a quick clean and organize of my house before she comes. I hate having people in my house when I feel it looks like a wreck.

Josh and I have an appointment tonight for our septic court case. It has been a year and a half of legal hell and by the end of this month we will have an answer. Fingers crossed that we win again! I would just like to relax and have the huge poo hole in my yard fixed!

After the appointment I am going to send Josh up to the hospital to visit with his mom. I had a stupid digital photo key chain that my FIL gave me two years ago for x-mas. It is just a cheap thing and I have actually changed my mind about it. It isn't really a bad product. Josh mentioned the key chain yesterday so I started to set it up with my computer and down loaded 30 photos of the kids. He will take it with him to the hospital so that his mom has the kids with her to cheer her up! I know that she will appreciate it. When she first found out about the initial find of the cancer I bought her a pillow that had a photo slot on it and placed a photo of Brycen in it and took it to the hospital.

I'm going to get back to my stuff for today and get the kids up and ready for their day! Hope that everyone has a great day!

A different twist.

Things with my MIL are still quite confusing. The doctors finally cathed her and released a lof of the pressure and pain she was having. Her bladder was so full that it was forcing the fluid up and into her body. Shortly after she was finally relaxed her kidneys started to spasim and her pain again went through the roof. The morphine wasn't enough so they gave her something else to calm everything down.

The doctors now through out another scenerio. Maybe this is all a side effect from the radiation treatments she received. The effect being that her organs function has slowed down. They really don't know as of yet. The cancer doctor isn't ruling out the new idea but said she wouldn't expect that one to be it. She still feels that the cancer is back but is going to do more investigating to figure it out.

Hopefully today brings some better news because everyone is still very confused. You get good news for it to quickly turn into bad and then the cycle goes back around again. I guess we will see what this Thursday brings!

Wish, hope, pray.

Yesterday was so full of emotions and as the day went on they got worse. My MIL is back in the hospital again. The second time in about a week. She went to her cancer doctor here in town yesterday and she feels that the cancer is back. All of her symptoms are pointing directly to it. But how!?!?! Last Friday she got the news from her Philly doctors that everything looked good to go. All the scans and biopsies looked A-OK! How can this be? Both the Philly and local doctors talked yesterday and now they both feel that the cancer is back. Back in a different location and extremely hard to get to. They feel that it is in this location because the scans show a shadow that they can't determine exactly what it is. When ovarian cancer returns it likes to hide or even show up as a layer. Not necessarially a tumor.

Brycen was about 4 months old when the doctors first found the cancer in my MIL. Those emotions at that time were: would she be around long enough to see him grow up, he won't even get to know how wonderful of a woman his grandma was, and so on. As I type this the tears are just streaming down my face. Those same emotions resurfaced last night with the thought of little Arianna. Brycen is at an age that he may remember his grandma. She sees him several times each month and if she can't see him they both talk on the phone. He just adores his grandma! When her boyfriend, his Pap Pap, comes around he always asks where grandma is. I just don't know if I am ready to handle that question if something would happen to her.

Arianna is now 10 months and won't remember her at all. It really bothers both Josh and I very much. My MIL was there to witness her birth almost one year ago today. We wanted to make sure we gave that experience to her because at that time the cancer had returned after an 8 month remission. Arianna also carries a version of my MIL's name, Layne as her middle name. My MIL always comments on how much Arianna looks just like her when she was a baby. I just hope that a miracle happens soon that she will get to know her grandma!

Right now my MIL is in so much pain. Off the wall, want to crawl out of your skin type of pain. The hospital is controling that with morphine right now so that she is comfortable. Her boyfriend has said that she just took a nose dive for the worse. Each day this past month he sees her just getting worse and worse. She has been so sick lately that she hasn't been able to keep food down and as a result has lost a lot of weight. My MIL is a very small and thin woman so losing a lot of weight is a bad thing. She is still wanting to fight the cancer with everything she has left because she doesn't want to leave her grandchildren and her happy life she has found these past few years.

I am just not ready for this! My life has been such a rollar coaster ride and when that dip down comes up it really plummets down! Everyone has been talking that they see the end near for her. Not sure if she will make her vacation to Florida in April. I'm not sure if she will be her May 2nd for Arianna's birthday. I am not prepared for Brycen to see her for the very last time.

This situation in some respects is just way too familiar in the way it mirrors my own life. My grandpap Y. died when I was exactly Brycen's age. I was told stories on how I was at the funeral home and my family telling me "shhh grandpap is sleeping". What do you tell a 2 1/2 year old boy who has all the love in the world for his grandma in that situation? He has been to funeral home viewings before but this one will be different. I don't remember anything about my grandpap. Nothing at all. My family doesn't even talk about him. I ask and they just tell me minor things or change the subject. I find myself at the age of 27 trying to find out who this man was. Seeking out information from extended family and close friends of my family during those years. Lately I have been visiting my grandpaps grave a few times a year. I take care of my Nana and Pa Pa's graves during the year and since no one was really going to my grandpaps I started taking care of his. Cleaning the grass and leaves away from the stone and placing a nice wreath up during the winter months. I am finally getting to know my great uncle, my grandpap's brother, and I took him out to find my grandpap's grave. He was very pleased that I am taking care of it and told me that I will be rewarded some day for my deed.

I know if this situation comes to light yet again that I won't make the huge mistake that my own family did by shadowing this man's life. My children will know who their grandma was. She is a very strong yet stuborn woman. She is very smart and holds a few degrees. She loves to help everyone she loves and masks her own pain to make sure she is there to help. She is one of the most loving and caring individuals that I know. She was not able to have any more children so my husband is her only child and she said that I am the daughter that she never had. She treats me so much better than my own mother and has taken me under her wing at times to teach me a few things. She is always someone that I can trust and I can call upon when I need someone to talk to about my own family issues. She is always positive about everything. She walks to a different beat and enjoys the simple things in life. I guess that's what growing up and living on the family farm will do to you. Not necessarily a bad thing.

I need to move on here. Today my MIL undergoes some tests to try to determine what is going on yet again. The hospital did that last week and she was just in Philly the week before for other testing techniques. She is due to go back to Philly on Tuesday but I just don't know if she can make the trip. I hope that everything turns out to be ok for the most part and that the doctors can control her pain. The Philly doctors did tell her that if the cancer came back that they have more tricks up their sleeves for her to not worry. I just hope that they have something that will work!

I'm going to go here and make a few phone calls. I need to make myself busy to take my mind off of this. I don't want my kids to see me crying let alone my eyes all puffy. On the way home from picking the kids up last night from my parents I was crying in the car when Josh and I were talking. Brycen was all worried and concerned. I need to try to be strong in front of my children and especially for Josh.

Friends

I've been thinking a lot about my first post of the day. The unsent letter. It got a lot off of my chest and I really wish I could send it. By sending it things won't get any better so I feel what is the point. With that post much thought went into my friendships. Old and new and all of those in between.

We have all received those chain letters about friends. How they come and go and when they have served their purpose that person moves on. There are so many versions of that letter and my summary comes close to the meaning. Over the years I have heard so many points in reference to those chain letters pertaining to friends. Those friends that stick around with you through thick and thin are real friends. But what happens when there is a bump in the road and that train gets knocked off track? Is it their time to go? Is it true if you love something and you let it go that if it is meant to be that it will return to you?

Over the years I have had so many people in my life. Many people come and go but not out of fault of mine or their own. It's all part of the business. The auction business. You get close to someone and they move or pass away. So they have served their purpose. I may have learned a thing or two with that experience. I've had people who I was close to and I do or say something that I felt was right and it back fires and they go their separate way. Again they served their purpose in my life and I may have learned a lession from that. Those lessions may not be revealed right away but maybe later on in life.

Love is a powerful thing when it comes to friendships. When in college I joined a sorority and with that gained a group of sisters. They were my family away from home. Our lives are polished with each of our own life experiences but we share that common bond. Sisterhood! We will always love each other because we are sisters. We may not be close friends any more but we always keep tabs on one another because we genuinely care.

During the past six months I have gained some friends back that I have lost. It is such a wonderful feeling such as letting something you love go and see if it returns to you. Both of these girls were my best friends my freshman year of college. We were a trio! Always together. Events took us separate ways and one relationship moved on while the other remained.

One of the girls moved back home and out of sight for several years until I did a search for her online. Very frustrated, I continued my search and made several phone calls. My last number on my list turned up to be a relative of this woman. Two weeks later I got a call from my old friend. I was so overwhelmed with joy over hearing that familiar voice on the other end of my phone. Now that woman has stepped back into everyone's world again to rekindle those lost relationships.

My relationship with the other girl went sour my sophmore year. A lession I thought I learned in high school that apparently didn't work. I did something that I felt was right at that time and it ruined everything. No explanation would help. Just like the previous girl I never gave up. I found her on myspace and wrote a kind message to her. Nothing popped up for a long time and then I had a message in my mail box. We talked a few times back and forth over the computer and then on the phone. The next step was a meeting at a park that was half way from our homes. It was such a great meet up! So wonderful to be able to see that familiar face again, receive a warm hug, and to talk. I guess it shows if you want something bad enough and really fight for it that the reward will be there in the end.

I have had several friends over the years that when we went our separate ways the relationship went on to be one of an aquaintance. We still have a mutual respect for one another, well some of them. Those other ones I am ok with how things are but once in a while I try to initiate contact. Maybe it shows that I have a hard time leaving things go.

My current friends I am very thankful for. These are a group of women that we all share a common bond. Our children! The one woman I knew in high school and we have formed a close friendship as moms. Another mom calls me at least once a week if we don't see each other at a playdate for our children. It is so nice! We ask each other our kids and chat a bit.

Lastly, I am going to talk about another of my current friends. This woman has such a caring heart. We speak at least once a day, maybe more. If we don't talk for a few days one of us is calling the other to see how things are going. We check up on each other's kids when they are sick. I am very honored to have this woman as a friend and I know you know who you are. It is just nice to talk to someone who understands and if they don't just lend an ear. Thank you so much for your friendship!

The other day I spoke to one of the ladies mentioned above and I was talking in reference to the woman I wrote the earlier entry about. She told me that that girl doesn't seem like much of a friend. When looking back on that she is right. Like a lot of my friendships in the past I put a lot of effort into them. Tend to do a lot or even all of the work to maintain that relationship. The 'friend' from the entry has never called me just to chat or to ask about my children. I have always called her. Has never done something 'just because' for me. I'm always the one to initiate contact. Just like those individuals I have lost in the past who want to remain that way. Maybe this is my wake up call to just leave her go for good. If the love of friendship/sister was ever there in the first place she will come back. It may not be right away but maybe a few years down the road. It is very hard though since she is dating someone in my husbands close family. Well actually right through the woods from my property. When we go to my mother-in-laws or to the farm property on foot we go right past the home where she is at. Josh always tells me that 'patience is a vertue'. Half listening, I agree with him. I do need to be more patient. I know I do! Just something I am going to work very hard on.

With that, through all of the relationships I have had from my past through the present I believe that each and every one of them has served their purpose. They have molded me into a better person.

My weekend went like a whirl wind and blew away yet again. Friday we went to the Ross Park Mall for a playdate at Build-a-Bear. It was a lot of fun! Surprisingling Brycen didn't want to make a bear for himself but he helped make one for Arianna. So cute! He visited with his buddies and then we did a little shopping and got back on the road.

Once we got home, everyone had some lunch and it was off to take naps. For me it was a time to pick up toys and straighten up the house before my friend Katie came over. On my way to Ross Park I called Katie to see if she could sit at my house while my two napped so that I could go to a memorial service for a friend. Her and her son Nicco came over and I was yet back on the road.

The memorial service was for a long time customer of my dad's auction and a friend. This gentleman was a very kind soul and I would stand and talk to him for a long time when our paths crossed. I've known him since I was you and knew his fiancee and her family even longer. I went to elementary and high school with her children. The gentleman died very quickly and very unexpectantly. Everyone was still in shock even after a week after his passing. The firehall where the service was held slowly filled up past capacity. People filled all the chairs and lined the walls eagerly waiting for the paster to pray with them and reflected on the life of their friend. My heart felt full after listening to scriptures and about this mans life. I'm very glad that I went and very thankful for Katie to watch my children so that I could attend.

When I returned home I talked to Josh about the service and quickly made dinner. Gotta love Lent! Tomato soup and grilled cheese was on our menu that day because it was quick and easy. Everyone quickly ate dinner and then it was off to the motorcycle shop. One of Brycen's most favorite places next to grandma's house. Josh needed a tire for his bike as well as to order some parts for the dirt bike. Brycen was in awe as he gazed over the rows of motorcycles, quads, and dirtbikes. He wants to climb and sit on them all so we had to remind him that he can't sit on these ones. At home we allow him to sit on our bikes and quad when we are in the garage. During our wait for the tire to get mounted we looked at helmets. We tried to get Brycen to try one on be that wasn't going to happen. With his birthday coming up we were going to get him a helmet so that this summer we can teach him how to ride his own dirtbike. Oh well maybe next time.

From the motorcycle shop it was off to the Clearview Mall to see race cars! Also on the favorite list of Brycen's. The mall hosted the Lernerville Raceway cars for the public to view. People were everywhere at they were able to get those desired photos and to even touch their favorite cars. Brycen walked around each car and made sure that their tires were in check. :o) After viewing the race cars it was finally time to go home and to remain there for the rest of the day.

Saturday was relaxing as we spent time outside in the warmth. This weather is such a tease! Then on to Sunday...just another lazy day.

An update on the kids. Brycen seems to be feeling a lot better. Josh took him to the doctors on Saturday and she was quite puzzled. He didn't seem like he was getting worse but obviously wasn't getting any better. So she put him on an antibiotic and he is perking back up. Arianna started coughing in the middle of the night like Brycen was so I might get the doctor a call and see if she can fax a prescription over to the pharmacy. On Saturday Arianna had yet another Physical Therapy evaluation. She had one when she was around 7 months and didn't qualify by just a hair. When she went in for her 9 month check up the doctor was still concerned over Arianna's development and thought that now she was showing a delay. The evaluation showed that there was indeed a delay but not significant enough for her to qualify for services. However, the PT did give a clinical opinion that Arianna is showing some weakness in her belly and arms and that she would benefit from services now so that she isn't tremendously behind. I talked to the service quardinator yesterday and she is going to look into getting services started for Arianna. Yay! Since she was born early like Brycen was I have been nervous about her development and she has been with the system since she was born. It takes two months of evaluations to get in and the doctor told me that it was a good idea to get her in early. So far we have just a therapist that comes in and checks that she is meeting milestones.

Aside from all of that I have been ironing up a storm! I am getting all of my children's clothes that they have out grown and preparing them to be gotten rid of. It is rather depressing in a way. Looking over all of their cute clothes and remembering them when they were little into particular pieces. Also, it is a major reality check that I won't be having any more children. I understand everything that Josh and I talk about about having just two. It is easy to fit into my life. Two children are plenty for me to take care of and chase after. Plus I would like to find a job in a few years and help contribute to providing for my family. However, I just have that feeling that I am not done with having children. I love my children very much and feel so blessed that I have been provided with one of each. My pregnancies are very rough and we lost our first peanut at 10 weeks and 4 days along. Josh reminds me about how rough my prenancies are when I swing into the conversation about children. I never ask to have any more but just talk about not feeling that I am done. I shouldn't be selfish and should just enjoy what I have. Maybe in a way I feel cheated because I have never been able to get my pregancies to go full term and to enjoy all of those little kicks and bumps even longer. I don't know. A lot of these feelings got stirred up with me getting their old close prepared to be gotten rid of.

On that note. I need to get both of my little monters up and ready for their day. Brycen has a chiropractor appointment this morning. He has been complaining for 4 days about his back hurting. He had such a bad cough and was having coughing fits in the middle of the night. Saturday morning it lasted for 2 hrs and nothing worked. No steriod and no breathing treatment was cutting it. All of that coughing most likely through off his alignment. We will see how the visit goes!

Unsent

Dear 'Friend',
I always thought that our friendship would last the test of time. You moved in next door to me when I was 3 years old and you were two. We were an instant match and always together. Now as I am in my later part of my twenties our friendship has been the longest relationship I have had. Twenty-four years to be exact! I never would have imagined that it would end like this.

When I was young I thought that we would be in each other's weddings, raise our children together, and be the old ladies sitting at the corner booth carrying on having a good time. So far you were my maid of honor in my wedding because you were always there for me. Someone to talk to when everyone else has turned their back on me. The sister I never had!! I felt so honored to have you by my side as I steped up to the alter said my vows and stepped away into my new life with my husband.

Then I went on to have children. You were one of the first to know when we were pregnant with both Brycen and Arianna. Brycen just loves and adores you! For me it felt so good to know that again when everyone has turned their back on me that you were still there. Even if it was to come over to my house and see my children. You are more of an 'aunt' to my children than my own siblings will ever be and you know that.

When I introduced you to your boyfriend I never would have thought that he would come in between our friendship. I understand that he and my husband have issues that seem to be dragging on way too long but it is their problem. I am sorry to take out my aggressions on you around Christmas time when he didn't come over to see his godson. That was just like someone shooting me in my heart and then ripping out and stomping on it. I value the idea of godparents very much and expect nothing but the highest of relationships from that. My own godparents did a very poor job at such an honored position. My godfather is a drunk that still treats me like I am 10 years old and my godmother never met me until I was 20 years old when I showed up at her husband's funeral.

We chose your boyfriend to be the godfather of Brycen because he possesed certain qualities that we both valued in the religious guardian of our son. He is very good to his daughter and we knew he would be equally as good to his godson. It saddens me that he won't see his godson over the issues of a night of debachery. However, it saddens me even more that you aren't part of my life any more.

I understand that we all get busy and tied up in other events in our lives but a simple phone call is all I ask for. I find it to be an insult when I call and leave a message and several weeks go by and I don't get one in return. Apparently you don't see that I am trying to mend this! Relationships take an effort to maintain and I am trying to do that. I lost too many people in my life this year and I am not willing to let you go and join that list. If I have ever meant anything to you at all please find it in your heart to either call me and meet up to talk about this or write me a letter. I'll take the 'hint' if I never hear back from you and reciprocate into never contacting you again. In the event that the latter happens, I hope that you live a life full of happiness and joy. I wish nothing but the best for you dear friend. I will always love and miss you!

Love Always,
me

Getting caught up...

Finally my website is up and running. Check it out at www.auctionsbycassandra.com.

I still have more laundry and straightening up to do today. It is a never ending story when you have children.

Arianna has her therapist appointment this afternoon at 4:15 for just a follow up of her milestones. Saturday she has another PT eval. Dr. Selvaraj still isn't happy and feels that Arianna is at least a month behind. The little one still won't get herself into a sitting position and isn't pulling herself up on furniture. The month behind is her adjusted age for her being 6 weeks early. Lets see how this eval goes. She was a hair from qualifying the first time. I honestly just think the little peanut is lazy. If I sit her down on the floor with some toys she will sit there for several minutes and have good control. Oh well!

I'm going to get back to my crocheting before the kiddos wake up this morning. Relax a bit before I get my butt in gear.

Stuff!

My website is coming along slowly but surely. I'm hoping to have it up and running by tonight!

Yesterday I didn't even nearly accomplish all that I wanted to do. Today will be left to doing all of that plus! My laundry needs all caught up along with picking up all over the house.

I need to quit procrastinating and get back to my work.

Weekend

Saturday we decided to go to my father-in-laws place over in Ohio. The kids and I still weren't feeling 100% but we didn't want to make him wait another week since we were supposed to go the week before. He had some things that he got for us that we had to pick up so that was the main reason for going. Brycen had fun playing with his pappy and was all tuckered out for the ride home.

The visit was alright for me. The boy scout camp doesn't excite me too much. It is actually rather boring. When Josh and I were engaged and even just married I always had homework to do when we went to camp. Josh would help his dad do odd jobs around the camp and I would sit in the office and do my homework. One of my last classes at SRU was a summer class at Pymatuming and it was a shorter drive from Rock Creek, OH than it was from Butler so I lived at the boy scout camp for a month. Josh came on the weekends to visit and we talked on the phone each day. So adding to the fact that it is boring for me, I lived there for a month and know that there is absolutely nothing to do over there. I used to go for walks around the camp but when there is summer camp going on you have to time your walks differently. Plus being one of the few girls on camp (a few were staff) I tried to limit my time by myself around camp. Some of those men who still are highly involved with the boy scouts at an old age just creep me out. Not all of them just a few. Sorry.

On a different note. Brycen's cough is starting to lighten up but Arianna's is getting worse. I'm going to continue to monitor her for one more day and if it seems like it is getting worse then I'll call the doctor tomorrow. I'm on day 5 of my medicine and am feeling alot better.

Yesterday I purchased a website domain and am slowly building my website for my auction service. I'll post it when it is completed. I figured it can't hurt anything to just try it out for a year and see if I get any business off of it. I'm not looking into anything full time. Just something to help pay for my license and to help keep my skills refined.

Today, I'm going to do a once over on the house. It just amazes me how much a house can fall apart even if you aren't here much over the weekend.