Wish, hope, pray.

Yesterday was so full of emotions and as the day went on they got worse. My MIL is back in the hospital again. The second time in about a week. She went to her cancer doctor here in town yesterday and she feels that the cancer is back. All of her symptoms are pointing directly to it. But how!?!?! Last Friday she got the news from her Philly doctors that everything looked good to go. All the scans and biopsies looked A-OK! How can this be? Both the Philly and local doctors talked yesterday and now they both feel that the cancer is back. Back in a different location and extremely hard to get to. They feel that it is in this location because the scans show a shadow that they can't determine exactly what it is. When ovarian cancer returns it likes to hide or even show up as a layer. Not necessarially a tumor.

Brycen was about 4 months old when the doctors first found the cancer in my MIL. Those emotions at that time were: would she be around long enough to see him grow up, he won't even get to know how wonderful of a woman his grandma was, and so on. As I type this the tears are just streaming down my face. Those same emotions resurfaced last night with the thought of little Arianna. Brycen is at an age that he may remember his grandma. She sees him several times each month and if she can't see him they both talk on the phone. He just adores his grandma! When her boyfriend, his Pap Pap, comes around he always asks where grandma is. I just don't know if I am ready to handle that question if something would happen to her.

Arianna is now 10 months and won't remember her at all. It really bothers both Josh and I very much. My MIL was there to witness her birth almost one year ago today. We wanted to make sure we gave that experience to her because at that time the cancer had returned after an 8 month remission. Arianna also carries a version of my MIL's name, Layne as her middle name. My MIL always comments on how much Arianna looks just like her when she was a baby. I just hope that a miracle happens soon that she will get to know her grandma!

Right now my MIL is in so much pain. Off the wall, want to crawl out of your skin type of pain. The hospital is controling that with morphine right now so that she is comfortable. Her boyfriend has said that she just took a nose dive for the worse. Each day this past month he sees her just getting worse and worse. She has been so sick lately that she hasn't been able to keep food down and as a result has lost a lot of weight. My MIL is a very small and thin woman so losing a lot of weight is a bad thing. She is still wanting to fight the cancer with everything she has left because she doesn't want to leave her grandchildren and her happy life she has found these past few years.

I am just not ready for this! My life has been such a rollar coaster ride and when that dip down comes up it really plummets down! Everyone has been talking that they see the end near for her. Not sure if she will make her vacation to Florida in April. I'm not sure if she will be her May 2nd for Arianna's birthday. I am not prepared for Brycen to see her for the very last time.

This situation in some respects is just way too familiar in the way it mirrors my own life. My grandpap Y. died when I was exactly Brycen's age. I was told stories on how I was at the funeral home and my family telling me "shhh grandpap is sleeping". What do you tell a 2 1/2 year old boy who has all the love in the world for his grandma in that situation? He has been to funeral home viewings before but this one will be different. I don't remember anything about my grandpap. Nothing at all. My family doesn't even talk about him. I ask and they just tell me minor things or change the subject. I find myself at the age of 27 trying to find out who this man was. Seeking out information from extended family and close friends of my family during those years. Lately I have been visiting my grandpaps grave a few times a year. I take care of my Nana and Pa Pa's graves during the year and since no one was really going to my grandpaps I started taking care of his. Cleaning the grass and leaves away from the stone and placing a nice wreath up during the winter months. I am finally getting to know my great uncle, my grandpap's brother, and I took him out to find my grandpap's grave. He was very pleased that I am taking care of it and told me that I will be rewarded some day for my deed.

I know if this situation comes to light yet again that I won't make the huge mistake that my own family did by shadowing this man's life. My children will know who their grandma was. She is a very strong yet stuborn woman. She is very smart and holds a few degrees. She loves to help everyone she loves and masks her own pain to make sure she is there to help. She is one of the most loving and caring individuals that I know. She was not able to have any more children so my husband is her only child and she said that I am the daughter that she never had. She treats me so much better than my own mother and has taken me under her wing at times to teach me a few things. She is always someone that I can trust and I can call upon when I need someone to talk to about my own family issues. She is always positive about everything. She walks to a different beat and enjoys the simple things in life. I guess that's what growing up and living on the family farm will do to you. Not necessarily a bad thing.

I need to move on here. Today my MIL undergoes some tests to try to determine what is going on yet again. The hospital did that last week and she was just in Philly the week before for other testing techniques. She is due to go back to Philly on Tuesday but I just don't know if she can make the trip. I hope that everything turns out to be ok for the most part and that the doctors can control her pain. The Philly doctors did tell her that if the cancer came back that they have more tricks up their sleeves for her to not worry. I just hope that they have something that will work!

I'm going to go here and make a few phone calls. I need to make myself busy to take my mind off of this. I don't want my kids to see me crying let alone my eyes all puffy. On the way home from picking the kids up last night from my parents I was crying in the car when Josh and I were talking. Brycen was all worried and concerned. I need to try to be strong in front of my children and especially for Josh.