Yesterday was so full of emotions and as the day went on they got worse. My MIL is back in the hospital again. The second time in about a week. She went to her cancer doctor here in town yesterday and she feels that the cancer is back. All of her symptoms are pointing directly to it. But how!?!?! Last Friday she got the news from her Philly doctors that everything looked good to go. All the scans and biopsies looked A-OK! How can this be? Both the Philly and local doctors talked yesterday and now they both feel that the cancer is back. Back in a different location and extremely hard to get to. They feel that it is in this location because the scans show a shadow that they can't determine exactly what it is. When ovarian cancer returns it likes to hide or even show up as a layer. Not necessarially a tumor.
Brycen was about 4 months old when the doctors first found the cancer in my MIL. Those emotions at that time were: would she be around long enough to see him grow up, he won't even get to know how wonderful of a woman his grandma was, and so on. As I type this the tears are just streaming down my face. Those same emotions resurfaced last night with the thought of little Arianna. Brycen is at an age that he may remember his grandma. She sees him several times each month and if she can't see him they both talk on the phone. He just adores his grandma! When her boyfriend, his Pap Pap, comes around he always asks where grandma is. I just don't know if I am ready to handle that question if something would happen to her.
Arianna is now 10 months and won't remember her at all. It really bothers both Josh and I very much. My MIL was there to witness her birth almost one year ago today. We wanted to make sure we gave that experience to her because at that time the cancer had returned after an 8 month remission. Arianna also carries a version of my MIL's name, Layne as her middle name. My MIL always comments on how much Arianna looks just like her when she was a baby. I just hope that a miracle happens soon that she will get to know her grandma!
Right now my MIL is in so much pain. Off the wall, want to crawl out of your skin type of pain. The hospital is controling that with morphine right now so that she is comfortable. Her boyfriend has said that she just took a nose dive for the worse. Each day this past month he sees her just getting worse and worse. She has been so sick lately that she hasn't been able to keep food down and as a result has lost a lot of weight. My MIL is a very small and thin woman so losing a lot of weight is a bad thing. She is still wanting to fight the cancer with everything she has left because she doesn't want to leave her grandchildren and her happy life she has found these past few years.
I am just not ready for this! My life has been such a rollar coaster ride and when that dip down comes up it really plummets down! Everyone has been talking that they see the end near for her. Not sure if she will make her vacation to Florida in April. I'm not sure if she will be her May 2nd for Arianna's birthday. I am not prepared for Brycen to see her for the very last time.
This situation in some respects is just way too familiar in the way it mirrors my own life. My grandpap Y. died when I was exactly Brycen's age. I was told stories on how I was at the funeral home and my family telling me "shhh grandpap is sleeping". What do you tell a 2 1/2 year old boy who has all the love in the world for his grandma in that situation? He has been to funeral home viewings before but this one will be different. I don't remember anything about my grandpap. Nothing at all. My family doesn't even talk about him. I ask and they just tell me minor things or change the subject. I find myself at the age of 27 trying to find out who this man was. Seeking out information from extended family and close friends of my family during those years. Lately I have been visiting my grandpaps grave a few times a year. I take care of my Nana and Pa Pa's graves during the year and since no one was really going to my grandpaps I started taking care of his. Cleaning the grass and leaves away from the stone and placing a nice wreath up during the winter months. I am finally getting to know my great uncle, my grandpap's brother, and I took him out to find my grandpap's grave. He was very pleased that I am taking care of it and told me that I will be rewarded some day for my deed.
I know if this situation comes to light yet again that I won't make the huge mistake that my own family did by shadowing this man's life. My children will know who their grandma was. She is a very strong yet stuborn woman. She is very smart and holds a few degrees. She loves to help everyone she loves and masks her own pain to make sure she is there to help. She is one of the most loving and caring individuals that I know. She was not able to have any more children so my husband is her only child and she said that I am the daughter that she never had. She treats me so much better than my own mother and has taken me under her wing at times to teach me a few things. She is always someone that I can trust and I can call upon when I need someone to talk to about my own family issues. She is always positive about everything. She walks to a different beat and enjoys the simple things in life. I guess that's what growing up and living on the family farm will do to you. Not necessarily a bad thing.
I need to move on here. Today my MIL undergoes some tests to try to determine what is going on yet again. The hospital did that last week and she was just in Philly the week before for other testing techniques. She is due to go back to Philly on Tuesday but I just don't know if she can make the trip. I hope that everything turns out to be ok for the most part and that the doctors can control her pain. The Philly doctors did tell her that if the cancer came back that they have more tricks up their sleeves for her to not worry. I just hope that they have something that will work!
I'm going to go here and make a few phone calls. I need to make myself busy to take my mind off of this. I don't want my kids to see me crying let alone my eyes all puffy. On the way home from picking the kids up last night from my parents I was crying in the car when Josh and I were talking. Brycen was all worried and concerned. I need to try to be strong in front of my children and especially for Josh.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Friends
I've been thinking a lot about my first post of the day. The unsent letter. It got a lot off of my chest and I really wish I could send it. By sending it things won't get any better so I feel what is the point. With that post much thought went into my friendships. Old and new and all of those in between.
We have all received those chain letters about friends. How they come and go and when they have served their purpose that person moves on. There are so many versions of that letter and my summary comes close to the meaning. Over the years I have heard so many points in reference to those chain letters pertaining to friends. Those friends that stick around with you through thick and thin are real friends. But what happens when there is a bump in the road and that train gets knocked off track? Is it their time to go? Is it true if you love something and you let it go that if it is meant to be that it will return to you?
Over the years I have had so many people in my life. Many people come and go but not out of fault of mine or their own. It's all part of the business. The auction business. You get close to someone and they move or pass away. So they have served their purpose. I may have learned a thing or two with that experience. I've had people who I was close to and I do or say something that I felt was right and it back fires and they go their separate way. Again they served their purpose in my life and I may have learned a lession from that. Those lessions may not be revealed right away but maybe later on in life.
Love is a powerful thing when it comes to friendships. When in college I joined a sorority and with that gained a group of sisters. They were my family away from home. Our lives are polished with each of our own life experiences but we share that common bond. Sisterhood! We will always love each other because we are sisters. We may not be close friends any more but we always keep tabs on one another because we genuinely care.
During the past six months I have gained some friends back that I have lost. It is such a wonderful feeling such as letting something you love go and see if it returns to you. Both of these girls were my best friends my freshman year of college. We were a trio! Always together. Events took us separate ways and one relationship moved on while the other remained.
One of the girls moved back home and out of sight for several years until I did a search for her online. Very frustrated, I continued my search and made several phone calls. My last number on my list turned up to be a relative of this woman. Two weeks later I got a call from my old friend. I was so overwhelmed with joy over hearing that familiar voice on the other end of my phone. Now that woman has stepped back into everyone's world again to rekindle those lost relationships.
My relationship with the other girl went sour my sophmore year. A lession I thought I learned in high school that apparently didn't work. I did something that I felt was right at that time and it ruined everything. No explanation would help. Just like the previous girl I never gave up. I found her on myspace and wrote a kind message to her. Nothing popped up for a long time and then I had a message in my mail box. We talked a few times back and forth over the computer and then on the phone. The next step was a meeting at a park that was half way from our homes. It was such a great meet up! So wonderful to be able to see that familiar face again, receive a warm hug, and to talk. I guess it shows if you want something bad enough and really fight for it that the reward will be there in the end.
I have had several friends over the years that when we went our separate ways the relationship went on to be one of an aquaintance. We still have a mutual respect for one another, well some of them. Those other ones I am ok with how things are but once in a while I try to initiate contact. Maybe it shows that I have a hard time leaving things go.
My current friends I am very thankful for. These are a group of women that we all share a common bond. Our children! The one woman I knew in high school and we have formed a close friendship as moms. Another mom calls me at least once a week if we don't see each other at a playdate for our children. It is so nice! We ask each other our kids and chat a bit.
Lastly, I am going to talk about another of my current friends. This woman has such a caring heart. We speak at least once a day, maybe more. If we don't talk for a few days one of us is calling the other to see how things are going. We check up on each other's kids when they are sick. I am very honored to have this woman as a friend and I know you know who you are. It is just nice to talk to someone who understands and if they don't just lend an ear. Thank you so much for your friendship!
The other day I spoke to one of the ladies mentioned above and I was talking in reference to the woman I wrote the earlier entry about. She told me that that girl doesn't seem like much of a friend. When looking back on that she is right. Like a lot of my friendships in the past I put a lot of effort into them. Tend to do a lot or even all of the work to maintain that relationship. The 'friend' from the entry has never called me just to chat or to ask about my children. I have always called her. Has never done something 'just because' for me. I'm always the one to initiate contact. Just like those individuals I have lost in the past who want to remain that way. Maybe this is my wake up call to just leave her go for good. If the love of friendship/sister was ever there in the first place she will come back. It may not be right away but maybe a few years down the road. It is very hard though since she is dating someone in my husbands close family. Well actually right through the woods from my property. When we go to my mother-in-laws or to the farm property on foot we go right past the home where she is at. Josh always tells me that 'patience is a vertue'. Half listening, I agree with him. I do need to be more patient. I know I do! Just something I am going to work very hard on.
With that, through all of the relationships I have had from my past through the present I believe that each and every one of them has served their purpose. They have molded me into a better person.
We have all received those chain letters about friends. How they come and go and when they have served their purpose that person moves on. There are so many versions of that letter and my summary comes close to the meaning. Over the years I have heard so many points in reference to those chain letters pertaining to friends. Those friends that stick around with you through thick and thin are real friends. But what happens when there is a bump in the road and that train gets knocked off track? Is it their time to go? Is it true if you love something and you let it go that if it is meant to be that it will return to you?
Over the years I have had so many people in my life. Many people come and go but not out of fault of mine or their own. It's all part of the business. The auction business. You get close to someone and they move or pass away. So they have served their purpose. I may have learned a thing or two with that experience. I've had people who I was close to and I do or say something that I felt was right and it back fires and they go their separate way. Again they served their purpose in my life and I may have learned a lession from that. Those lessions may not be revealed right away but maybe later on in life.
Love is a powerful thing when it comes to friendships. When in college I joined a sorority and with that gained a group of sisters. They were my family away from home. Our lives are polished with each of our own life experiences but we share that common bond. Sisterhood! We will always love each other because we are sisters. We may not be close friends any more but we always keep tabs on one another because we genuinely care.
During the past six months I have gained some friends back that I have lost. It is such a wonderful feeling such as letting something you love go and see if it returns to you. Both of these girls were my best friends my freshman year of college. We were a trio! Always together. Events took us separate ways and one relationship moved on while the other remained.
One of the girls moved back home and out of sight for several years until I did a search for her online. Very frustrated, I continued my search and made several phone calls. My last number on my list turned up to be a relative of this woman. Two weeks later I got a call from my old friend. I was so overwhelmed with joy over hearing that familiar voice on the other end of my phone. Now that woman has stepped back into everyone's world again to rekindle those lost relationships.
My relationship with the other girl went sour my sophmore year. A lession I thought I learned in high school that apparently didn't work. I did something that I felt was right at that time and it ruined everything. No explanation would help. Just like the previous girl I never gave up. I found her on myspace and wrote a kind message to her. Nothing popped up for a long time and then I had a message in my mail box. We talked a few times back and forth over the computer and then on the phone. The next step was a meeting at a park that was half way from our homes. It was such a great meet up! So wonderful to be able to see that familiar face again, receive a warm hug, and to talk. I guess it shows if you want something bad enough and really fight for it that the reward will be there in the end.
I have had several friends over the years that when we went our separate ways the relationship went on to be one of an aquaintance. We still have a mutual respect for one another, well some of them. Those other ones I am ok with how things are but once in a while I try to initiate contact. Maybe it shows that I have a hard time leaving things go.
My current friends I am very thankful for. These are a group of women that we all share a common bond. Our children! The one woman I knew in high school and we have formed a close friendship as moms. Another mom calls me at least once a week if we don't see each other at a playdate for our children. It is so nice! We ask each other our kids and chat a bit.
Lastly, I am going to talk about another of my current friends. This woman has such a caring heart. We speak at least once a day, maybe more. If we don't talk for a few days one of us is calling the other to see how things are going. We check up on each other's kids when they are sick. I am very honored to have this woman as a friend and I know you know who you are. It is just nice to talk to someone who understands and if they don't just lend an ear. Thank you so much for your friendship!
The other day I spoke to one of the ladies mentioned above and I was talking in reference to the woman I wrote the earlier entry about. She told me that that girl doesn't seem like much of a friend. When looking back on that she is right. Like a lot of my friendships in the past I put a lot of effort into them. Tend to do a lot or even all of the work to maintain that relationship. The 'friend' from the entry has never called me just to chat or to ask about my children. I have always called her. Has never done something 'just because' for me. I'm always the one to initiate contact. Just like those individuals I have lost in the past who want to remain that way. Maybe this is my wake up call to just leave her go for good. If the love of friendship/sister was ever there in the first place she will come back. It may not be right away but maybe a few years down the road. It is very hard though since she is dating someone in my husbands close family. Well actually right through the woods from my property. When we go to my mother-in-laws or to the farm property on foot we go right past the home where she is at. Josh always tells me that 'patience is a vertue'. Half listening, I agree with him. I do need to be more patient. I know I do! Just something I am going to work very hard on.
With that, through all of the relationships I have had from my past through the present I believe that each and every one of them has served their purpose. They have molded me into a better person.
My weekend went like a whirl wind and blew away yet again. Friday we went to the Ross Park Mall for a playdate at Build-a-Bear. It was a lot of fun! Surprisingling Brycen didn't want to make a bear for himself but he helped make one for Arianna. So cute! He visited with his buddies and then we did a little shopping and got back on the road.
Once we got home, everyone had some lunch and it was off to take naps. For me it was a time to pick up toys and straighten up the house before my friend Katie came over. On my way to Ross Park I called Katie to see if she could sit at my house while my two napped so that I could go to a memorial service for a friend. Her and her son Nicco came over and I was yet back on the road.
The memorial service was for a long time customer of my dad's auction and a friend. This gentleman was a very kind soul and I would stand and talk to him for a long time when our paths crossed. I've known him since I was you and knew his fiancee and her family even longer. I went to elementary and high school with her children. The gentleman died very quickly and very unexpectantly. Everyone was still in shock even after a week after his passing. The firehall where the service was held slowly filled up past capacity. People filled all the chairs and lined the walls eagerly waiting for the paster to pray with them and reflected on the life of their friend. My heart felt full after listening to scriptures and about this mans life. I'm very glad that I went and very thankful for Katie to watch my children so that I could attend.
When I returned home I talked to Josh about the service and quickly made dinner. Gotta love Lent! Tomato soup and grilled cheese was on our menu that day because it was quick and easy. Everyone quickly ate dinner and then it was off to the motorcycle shop. One of Brycen's most favorite places next to grandma's house. Josh needed a tire for his bike as well as to order some parts for the dirt bike. Brycen was in awe as he gazed over the rows of motorcycles, quads, and dirtbikes. He wants to climb and sit on them all so we had to remind him that he can't sit on these ones. At home we allow him to sit on our bikes and quad when we are in the garage. During our wait for the tire to get mounted we looked at helmets. We tried to get Brycen to try one on be that wasn't going to happen. With his birthday coming up we were going to get him a helmet so that this summer we can teach him how to ride his own dirtbike. Oh well maybe next time.
From the motorcycle shop it was off to the Clearview Mall to see race cars! Also on the favorite list of Brycen's. The mall hosted the Lernerville Raceway cars for the public to view. People were everywhere at they were able to get those desired photos and to even touch their favorite cars. Brycen walked around each car and made sure that their tires were in check. :o) After viewing the race cars it was finally time to go home and to remain there for the rest of the day.
Saturday was relaxing as we spent time outside in the warmth. This weather is such a tease! Then on to Sunday...just another lazy day.
An update on the kids. Brycen seems to be feeling a lot better. Josh took him to the doctors on Saturday and she was quite puzzled. He didn't seem like he was getting worse but obviously wasn't getting any better. So she put him on an antibiotic and he is perking back up. Arianna started coughing in the middle of the night like Brycen was so I might get the doctor a call and see if she can fax a prescription over to the pharmacy. On Saturday Arianna had yet another Physical Therapy evaluation. She had one when she was around 7 months and didn't qualify by just a hair. When she went in for her 9 month check up the doctor was still concerned over Arianna's development and thought that now she was showing a delay. The evaluation showed that there was indeed a delay but not significant enough for her to qualify for services. However, the PT did give a clinical opinion that Arianna is showing some weakness in her belly and arms and that she would benefit from services now so that she isn't tremendously behind. I talked to the service quardinator yesterday and she is going to look into getting services started for Arianna. Yay! Since she was born early like Brycen was I have been nervous about her development and she has been with the system since she was born. It takes two months of evaluations to get in and the doctor told me that it was a good idea to get her in early. So far we have just a therapist that comes in and checks that she is meeting milestones.
Aside from all of that I have been ironing up a storm! I am getting all of my children's clothes that they have out grown and preparing them to be gotten rid of. It is rather depressing in a way. Looking over all of their cute clothes and remembering them when they were little into particular pieces. Also, it is a major reality check that I won't be having any more children. I understand everything that Josh and I talk about about having just two. It is easy to fit into my life. Two children are plenty for me to take care of and chase after. Plus I would like to find a job in a few years and help contribute to providing for my family. However, I just have that feeling that I am not done with having children. I love my children very much and feel so blessed that I have been provided with one of each. My pregnancies are very rough and we lost our first peanut at 10 weeks and 4 days along. Josh reminds me about how rough my prenancies are when I swing into the conversation about children. I never ask to have any more but just talk about not feeling that I am done. I shouldn't be selfish and should just enjoy what I have. Maybe in a way I feel cheated because I have never been able to get my pregancies to go full term and to enjoy all of those little kicks and bumps even longer. I don't know. A lot of these feelings got stirred up with me getting their old close prepared to be gotten rid of.
On that note. I need to get both of my little monters up and ready for their day. Brycen has a chiropractor appointment this morning. He has been complaining for 4 days about his back hurting. He had such a bad cough and was having coughing fits in the middle of the night. Saturday morning it lasted for 2 hrs and nothing worked. No steriod and no breathing treatment was cutting it. All of that coughing most likely through off his alignment. We will see how the visit goes!
Once we got home, everyone had some lunch and it was off to take naps. For me it was a time to pick up toys and straighten up the house before my friend Katie came over. On my way to Ross Park I called Katie to see if she could sit at my house while my two napped so that I could go to a memorial service for a friend. Her and her son Nicco came over and I was yet back on the road.
The memorial service was for a long time customer of my dad's auction and a friend. This gentleman was a very kind soul and I would stand and talk to him for a long time when our paths crossed. I've known him since I was you and knew his fiancee and her family even longer. I went to elementary and high school with her children. The gentleman died very quickly and very unexpectantly. Everyone was still in shock even after a week after his passing. The firehall where the service was held slowly filled up past capacity. People filled all the chairs and lined the walls eagerly waiting for the paster to pray with them and reflected on the life of their friend. My heart felt full after listening to scriptures and about this mans life. I'm very glad that I went and very thankful for Katie to watch my children so that I could attend.
When I returned home I talked to Josh about the service and quickly made dinner. Gotta love Lent! Tomato soup and grilled cheese was on our menu that day because it was quick and easy. Everyone quickly ate dinner and then it was off to the motorcycle shop. One of Brycen's most favorite places next to grandma's house. Josh needed a tire for his bike as well as to order some parts for the dirt bike. Brycen was in awe as he gazed over the rows of motorcycles, quads, and dirtbikes. He wants to climb and sit on them all so we had to remind him that he can't sit on these ones. At home we allow him to sit on our bikes and quad when we are in the garage. During our wait for the tire to get mounted we looked at helmets. We tried to get Brycen to try one on be that wasn't going to happen. With his birthday coming up we were going to get him a helmet so that this summer we can teach him how to ride his own dirtbike. Oh well maybe next time.
From the motorcycle shop it was off to the Clearview Mall to see race cars! Also on the favorite list of Brycen's. The mall hosted the Lernerville Raceway cars for the public to view. People were everywhere at they were able to get those desired photos and to even touch their favorite cars. Brycen walked around each car and made sure that their tires were in check. :o) After viewing the race cars it was finally time to go home and to remain there for the rest of the day.
Saturday was relaxing as we spent time outside in the warmth. This weather is such a tease! Then on to Sunday...just another lazy day.
An update on the kids. Brycen seems to be feeling a lot better. Josh took him to the doctors on Saturday and she was quite puzzled. He didn't seem like he was getting worse but obviously wasn't getting any better. So she put him on an antibiotic and he is perking back up. Arianna started coughing in the middle of the night like Brycen was so I might get the doctor a call and see if she can fax a prescription over to the pharmacy. On Saturday Arianna had yet another Physical Therapy evaluation. She had one when she was around 7 months and didn't qualify by just a hair. When she went in for her 9 month check up the doctor was still concerned over Arianna's development and thought that now she was showing a delay. The evaluation showed that there was indeed a delay but not significant enough for her to qualify for services. However, the PT did give a clinical opinion that Arianna is showing some weakness in her belly and arms and that she would benefit from services now so that she isn't tremendously behind. I talked to the service quardinator yesterday and she is going to look into getting services started for Arianna. Yay! Since she was born early like Brycen was I have been nervous about her development and she has been with the system since she was born. It takes two months of evaluations to get in and the doctor told me that it was a good idea to get her in early. So far we have just a therapist that comes in and checks that she is meeting milestones.
Aside from all of that I have been ironing up a storm! I am getting all of my children's clothes that they have out grown and preparing them to be gotten rid of. It is rather depressing in a way. Looking over all of their cute clothes and remembering them when they were little into particular pieces. Also, it is a major reality check that I won't be having any more children. I understand everything that Josh and I talk about about having just two. It is easy to fit into my life. Two children are plenty for me to take care of and chase after. Plus I would like to find a job in a few years and help contribute to providing for my family. However, I just have that feeling that I am not done with having children. I love my children very much and feel so blessed that I have been provided with one of each. My pregnancies are very rough and we lost our first peanut at 10 weeks and 4 days along. Josh reminds me about how rough my prenancies are when I swing into the conversation about children. I never ask to have any more but just talk about not feeling that I am done. I shouldn't be selfish and should just enjoy what I have. Maybe in a way I feel cheated because I have never been able to get my pregancies to go full term and to enjoy all of those little kicks and bumps even longer. I don't know. A lot of these feelings got stirred up with me getting their old close prepared to be gotten rid of.
On that note. I need to get both of my little monters up and ready for their day. Brycen has a chiropractor appointment this morning. He has been complaining for 4 days about his back hurting. He had such a bad cough and was having coughing fits in the middle of the night. Saturday morning it lasted for 2 hrs and nothing worked. No steriod and no breathing treatment was cutting it. All of that coughing most likely through off his alignment. We will see how the visit goes!
Unsent
Dear 'Friend',
I always thought that our friendship would last the test of time. You moved in next door to me when I was 3 years old and you were two. We were an instant match and always together. Now as I am in my later part of my twenties our friendship has been the longest relationship I have had. Twenty-four years to be exact! I never would have imagined that it would end like this.
When I was young I thought that we would be in each other's weddings, raise our children together, and be the old ladies sitting at the corner booth carrying on having a good time. So far you were my maid of honor in my wedding because you were always there for me. Someone to talk to when everyone else has turned their back on me. The sister I never had!! I felt so honored to have you by my side as I steped up to the alter said my vows and stepped away into my new life with my husband.
Then I went on to have children. You were one of the first to know when we were pregnant with both Brycen and Arianna. Brycen just loves and adores you! For me it felt so good to know that again when everyone has turned their back on me that you were still there. Even if it was to come over to my house and see my children. You are more of an 'aunt' to my children than my own siblings will ever be and you know that.
When I introduced you to your boyfriend I never would have thought that he would come in between our friendship. I understand that he and my husband have issues that seem to be dragging on way too long but it is their problem. I am sorry to take out my aggressions on you around Christmas time when he didn't come over to see his godson. That was just like someone shooting me in my heart and then ripping out and stomping on it. I value the idea of godparents very much and expect nothing but the highest of relationships from that. My own godparents did a very poor job at such an honored position. My godfather is a drunk that still treats me like I am 10 years old and my godmother never met me until I was 20 years old when I showed up at her husband's funeral.
We chose your boyfriend to be the godfather of Brycen because he possesed certain qualities that we both valued in the religious guardian of our son. He is very good to his daughter and we knew he would be equally as good to his godson. It saddens me that he won't see his godson over the issues of a night of debachery. However, it saddens me even more that you aren't part of my life any more.
I understand that we all get busy and tied up in other events in our lives but a simple phone call is all I ask for. I find it to be an insult when I call and leave a message and several weeks go by and I don't get one in return. Apparently you don't see that I am trying to mend this! Relationships take an effort to maintain and I am trying to do that. I lost too many people in my life this year and I am not willing to let you go and join that list. If I have ever meant anything to you at all please find it in your heart to either call me and meet up to talk about this or write me a letter. I'll take the 'hint' if I never hear back from you and reciprocate into never contacting you again. In the event that the latter happens, I hope that you live a life full of happiness and joy. I wish nothing but the best for you dear friend. I will always love and miss you!
Love Always,
me
I always thought that our friendship would last the test of time. You moved in next door to me when I was 3 years old and you were two. We were an instant match and always together. Now as I am in my later part of my twenties our friendship has been the longest relationship I have had. Twenty-four years to be exact! I never would have imagined that it would end like this.
When I was young I thought that we would be in each other's weddings, raise our children together, and be the old ladies sitting at the corner booth carrying on having a good time. So far you were my maid of honor in my wedding because you were always there for me. Someone to talk to when everyone else has turned their back on me. The sister I never had!! I felt so honored to have you by my side as I steped up to the alter said my vows and stepped away into my new life with my husband.
Then I went on to have children. You were one of the first to know when we were pregnant with both Brycen and Arianna. Brycen just loves and adores you! For me it felt so good to know that again when everyone has turned their back on me that you were still there. Even if it was to come over to my house and see my children. You are more of an 'aunt' to my children than my own siblings will ever be and you know that.
When I introduced you to your boyfriend I never would have thought that he would come in between our friendship. I understand that he and my husband have issues that seem to be dragging on way too long but it is their problem. I am sorry to take out my aggressions on you around Christmas time when he didn't come over to see his godson. That was just like someone shooting me in my heart and then ripping out and stomping on it. I value the idea of godparents very much and expect nothing but the highest of relationships from that. My own godparents did a very poor job at such an honored position. My godfather is a drunk that still treats me like I am 10 years old and my godmother never met me until I was 20 years old when I showed up at her husband's funeral.
We chose your boyfriend to be the godfather of Brycen because he possesed certain qualities that we both valued in the religious guardian of our son. He is very good to his daughter and we knew he would be equally as good to his godson. It saddens me that he won't see his godson over the issues of a night of debachery. However, it saddens me even more that you aren't part of my life any more.
I understand that we all get busy and tied up in other events in our lives but a simple phone call is all I ask for. I find it to be an insult when I call and leave a message and several weeks go by and I don't get one in return. Apparently you don't see that I am trying to mend this! Relationships take an effort to maintain and I am trying to do that. I lost too many people in my life this year and I am not willing to let you go and join that list. If I have ever meant anything to you at all please find it in your heart to either call me and meet up to talk about this or write me a letter. I'll take the 'hint' if I never hear back from you and reciprocate into never contacting you again. In the event that the latter happens, I hope that you live a life full of happiness and joy. I wish nothing but the best for you dear friend. I will always love and miss you!
Love Always,
me
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Getting caught up...
Finally my website is up and running. Check it out at www.auctionsbycassandra.com.
I still have more laundry and straightening up to do today. It is a never ending story when you have children.
Arianna has her therapist appointment this afternoon at 4:15 for just a follow up of her milestones. Saturday she has another PT eval. Dr. Selvaraj still isn't happy and feels that Arianna is at least a month behind. The little one still won't get herself into a sitting position and isn't pulling herself up on furniture. The month behind is her adjusted age for her being 6 weeks early. Lets see how this eval goes. She was a hair from qualifying the first time. I honestly just think the little peanut is lazy. If I sit her down on the floor with some toys she will sit there for several minutes and have good control. Oh well!
I'm going to get back to my crocheting before the kiddos wake up this morning. Relax a bit before I get my butt in gear.
I still have more laundry and straightening up to do today. It is a never ending story when you have children.
Arianna has her therapist appointment this afternoon at 4:15 for just a follow up of her milestones. Saturday she has another PT eval. Dr. Selvaraj still isn't happy and feels that Arianna is at least a month behind. The little one still won't get herself into a sitting position and isn't pulling herself up on furniture. The month behind is her adjusted age for her being 6 weeks early. Lets see how this eval goes. She was a hair from qualifying the first time. I honestly just think the little peanut is lazy. If I sit her down on the floor with some toys she will sit there for several minutes and have good control. Oh well!
I'm going to get back to my crocheting before the kiddos wake up this morning. Relax a bit before I get my butt in gear.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Stuff!
My website is coming along slowly but surely. I'm hoping to have it up and running by tonight!
Yesterday I didn't even nearly accomplish all that I wanted to do. Today will be left to doing all of that plus! My laundry needs all caught up along with picking up all over the house.
I need to quit procrastinating and get back to my work.
Yesterday I didn't even nearly accomplish all that I wanted to do. Today will be left to doing all of that plus! My laundry needs all caught up along with picking up all over the house.
I need to quit procrastinating and get back to my work.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Weekend
Saturday we decided to go to my father-in-laws place over in Ohio. The kids and I still weren't feeling 100% but we didn't want to make him wait another week since we were supposed to go the week before. He had some things that he got for us that we had to pick up so that was the main reason for going. Brycen had fun playing with his pappy and was all tuckered out for the ride home.
The visit was alright for me. The boy scout camp doesn't excite me too much. It is actually rather boring. When Josh and I were engaged and even just married I always had homework to do when we went to camp. Josh would help his dad do odd jobs around the camp and I would sit in the office and do my homework. One of my last classes at SRU was a summer class at Pymatuming and it was a shorter drive from Rock Creek, OH than it was from Butler so I lived at the boy scout camp for a month. Josh came on the weekends to visit and we talked on the phone each day. So adding to the fact that it is boring for me, I lived there for a month and know that there is absolutely nothing to do over there. I used to go for walks around the camp but when there is summer camp going on you have to time your walks differently. Plus being one of the few girls on camp (a few were staff) I tried to limit my time by myself around camp. Some of those men who still are highly involved with the boy scouts at an old age just creep me out. Not all of them just a few. Sorry.
On a different note. Brycen's cough is starting to lighten up but Arianna's is getting worse. I'm going to continue to monitor her for one more day and if it seems like it is getting worse then I'll call the doctor tomorrow. I'm on day 5 of my medicine and am feeling alot better.
Yesterday I purchased a website domain and am slowly building my website for my auction service. I'll post it when it is completed. I figured it can't hurt anything to just try it out for a year and see if I get any business off of it. I'm not looking into anything full time. Just something to help pay for my license and to help keep my skills refined.
Today, I'm going to do a once over on the house. It just amazes me how much a house can fall apart even if you aren't here much over the weekend.
The visit was alright for me. The boy scout camp doesn't excite me too much. It is actually rather boring. When Josh and I were engaged and even just married I always had homework to do when we went to camp. Josh would help his dad do odd jobs around the camp and I would sit in the office and do my homework. One of my last classes at SRU was a summer class at Pymatuming and it was a shorter drive from Rock Creek, OH than it was from Butler so I lived at the boy scout camp for a month. Josh came on the weekends to visit and we talked on the phone each day. So adding to the fact that it is boring for me, I lived there for a month and know that there is absolutely nothing to do over there. I used to go for walks around the camp but when there is summer camp going on you have to time your walks differently. Plus being one of the few girls on camp (a few were staff) I tried to limit my time by myself around camp. Some of those men who still are highly involved with the boy scouts at an old age just creep me out. Not all of them just a few. Sorry.
On a different note. Brycen's cough is starting to lighten up but Arianna's is getting worse. I'm going to continue to monitor her for one more day and if it seems like it is getting worse then I'll call the doctor tomorrow. I'm on day 5 of my medicine and am feeling alot better.
Yesterday I purchased a website domain and am slowly building my website for my auction service. I'll post it when it is completed. I figured it can't hurt anything to just try it out for a year and see if I get any business off of it. I'm not looking into anything full time. Just something to help pay for my license and to help keep my skills refined.
Today, I'm going to do a once over on the house. It just amazes me how much a house can fall apart even if you aren't here much over the weekend.
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